Attract a dominant on social media

Attract a Dominant on Social Media Using These 4 Tips

Is it possible for submissives on FetLife to attract a dominant without breaking out of role? Is there anything a submissive can do to stand out of the crowd? Let me offer you four tips right now that will make this happen.

Take away message:

  • Making your interactions engaging will attract the dominant of your dreams

Let’s be clear from the start: FetLife is not a dating app.

I see that Mr Know-it-all in the back of the class has raised his hand. Yes, darling?

“FetLife is a social network, Miss.”

Very good.

So why then is it so hard to form meaningful social connections with other kinksters on a social network full of other kinksters?

I find it’s useful to think of FetLife as a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (like Age of Conan on Big Bang Theory). Potentially, it could be spellbinding.

But unless you set about your explorations the right way, absolutely nothing happens. You are just left wandering alone through the meandering paths of this alternative universe having one-off, disposable interactions.

Interactions that will never, ever come together to form a meaningful story.

So, how do you go from aimlessly wandering the FetLife wilderness to attracting the attention of the dominant of your dreams?

It’s not complicated. In fact, it’s downright simple to attract a dominant. Are you ready for it? Here you go:

How to attract a dominant on FetLife? Just be irresistible

No, I am not mocking you. And yes, you can.

In fact so many people aren’t trying that you will stand out with very little effort.

What do I mean by “irresistible?”

What irresistible most definitely isn’t

It’s not about being naturally beautiful.

It’s not about having racy photos on your profile. (But an actual profile picture is not optional. It doesn’t have to be your face; it can be an idea-graph or an image you love. But trying to attract a dominant’s attention by pretending you look like a white question mark in a black box won’t work.)

It’s not even about your list of kinks and fetishes that give visitors the chance to imagine interacting with you in a kinky way.

What irresistible actually is

It’s about the way you make a dominant feel.

When you interact with dominants you want to invite big responses:

  • You want them to feel intrigued.
  • You want them to laugh out loud.
  • You want them to feel aroused.

In short?

When you interact with dominants on FetLife you want them to feel different, more awake. More alive.

Do you realize what an incredible gift you have within your dispensing power?

As soon as you become aware of this gift, it will set you apart: it means you’re not on FetLife just to chat; you’re not on FetLife to mindlessly click and ‘like;’ you’re not FetLife just to see and be seen. You are different. You are compelling. And compelling, my darling, is just another word for irresistible.

In fact, it’s your responsibility to start taking your search for a dominant seriously.


Because meeting you will one day change that dominant’s life forever.

Here are my four tried and true recommendations that will help you boost your chances of attracting a dominant on FetLife.

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It’s about the way you make a dominant feel

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Tip 1. Do your research on your dominant of choice

Do you read profiles? You should, especially if you are hoping to get to know someone better. Think about the information available in the profile until you understand what the person that you are trying to communicate with is like, at least on a surface level.

Once you have then send a well-structured and respectful private message. Where respectful in this context, is making the effort to take into account whatever the other person is trying to tell you about themselves;

Attract a Dominant by making them smile when they check their messages
Attract a Dominant by making them smile when they check their messages

Tip 2. Get the tone right

If you are going to send a private message to attract a dominant, think about what you both identify as and take the time to tailor your communication so it is suitable to your perspective roles. Take your communication to the next level!

Just glancing at my FetLife inbox now I can give you several examples of messages I have had from people who identify as submissives but have messaged me just a single line: “I want you to kick me in the balls.”

  • No previous communication
  • No introduction
  • No subtlety
  • No class

And this is not uncommon behaviour.

That’s no way to attract a D-type. On a good day, I will just laugh at such ignorant rudeness and move on to the next message. Is this the response you are after? Do you think this kind of approach will bear any results, ever? If you are a submissive addressing a dominant then use an appropriate and respectful tone.

I am sure that when a dominant addresses you you prefer them to maintain an air of authority at all times, even if the relationship is friendly. Just return the courtesy.

But won’t that make me a fake?

Many will argue that playing a role the whole time is hypocritical and ingenuous but I disagree. I don’t think it’s playing a role at all; this is my lifestyle choice and I think it is just good manners.

After all, this is FetLife, not Facebook. It is a social network for people to explore their alter egos and your role is a big part of this alter ego. There is nothing hypocritical or misleading about it, and respecting the given dynamic won’t stop you from being honest and genuine about yourself in your communication with others.

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Respect the given dynamic and be honest!

Do you respect communication? Love this on Twitter!

Tip 3. Get the ball rolling

In order to encourage prospective dominants to open up, adopt an open-ended as opposed to a closed communication style and make sure any comments you leave or messages you send are rich in substance.

There isn’t a lot anyone can say in response to “Wow!” Just saying “You look hot!” will get you either ignored, or at best a “Thanks!”.

Give the other person something to say back to you so that a conversation will have half a chance of starting up.

An example could be: “Nice boots, where did you get them from?” It’s infinitely easier for the recipients of your comments to respond, if there is an obvious reply they can make.

Tip 4. Show your dominant of choice that you care

Last but not least, take it a step further, beyond the obvious topics of their pictures or listed kinks. Asking someone “what they do when they are not being kinky” is the perfect open ended question.

Note that you are not asking someone where they work. You are not asking someone for their personal details. This is all frowned upon, and rightly so. But the open-ended “do” in the question allows them to see the question as it relates to themselves.

Maybe they want to tell you about their photography hobby. Or their love of gardening. Or maybe that they make their own clothes. Their response will make it clear if they want to continue the conversation and build a rapport.

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What do you do when you’re not being kinky?

Do you understand the power of open-ended chats? Twit and share!

To put it in another way:

Set the dominant’s imagination on fire.

Imbue your interactions with potential dominants with so much passion and energy and enthusiasm they can’t get you out of their head.

Do that, and they won’t just move on to the next profile, forgetting about you instantly.

They’ll send a private message; they will write a comment. They’ll share your post with their FetLife friends. They’ll follow you, so they can stay in tune with your online life.

From then on, you’ll be in their radar. They’ll think about you every day. You’ll be, quite literally, unforgettable. And impossible to resist.

But the best part?

When the time does come to meet the dominant of your dreams, you’ll be ready to have a meaningful relationship.

So get to work.

You haven’t managed to attract the dominant of your dreams yet. But they are waiting for you to fascinate them.

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